mark ryan

She left the earth how she wanted, walking into the ocean as the stars above sparkled in their preciousness. She hoped to join them, to transform into something that burned with a power a million miles away from here. Her departure may be one of sadness, but it was by her own choosing. It was her own way to transform.


‘Nothing but I am’ follows the life of Eleanor, as read through her journal in her final days on the planet. It washes over her hopes and dreams, loves and despairs at the hands of fate and the disturbance of states that begin to corrode her life. Her death imprints itself on a police officer trying to unpick meaning in her demise as she goes through her words and thoughts left in her journal.


A hybrid poetry and fiction novel, marrying poems with journal entries surrounded by a story of departure.


nothing but i am

[9am, Elwood beach]

Who found the book?

The journal…it was found by some guy walking his dog. He said he found it over there, near the trees. It looks newish, not overly full.


Anything else there, clothes or anything?

Only the journal and a set of keys.

House keys?

Looks like they are for an apartment complex yeah, fob with a key-ring.

Okay, good. Be sure to log both when you get back.

How long do you think the body was in the water?

Not long I’d say, she probably went in last night. The tide was pretty low it seems. She wouldn’t have gone far.

Think it was accidental?

Aren’t all suicides? (A flick of the eyes up to god) Hopefully the journal can answer some of the questions. What goes through people’s minds, why do we do half the shit we do.

I’ll head back now and take a look then. You okay?


Thanks, and yeah; I’m fine. Never gets easier seeing this though.

At least they are at peace now, however troubled.


Gone, changed forever. Peace….(A look out to sea)

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© 2020 by Mark Ryan-Havoc & Consequence